It’s not the fire alarm

Estimated Studying Time — 4 minutes

Congratulations in your admission to Oak and Ash Academy, one of the vital unique non-public academies in North America. You could have been a part of the biggest incoming class since our founding in 1763. Though this can be a distinctive alternative – contemplate that in an extraordinary yr three out of 4 of you wouldn’t have been admitted – it means you’ll have to be taught every part. the vital guidelines and traditions of our alma mater with out the mannequin of older classmates.

That is why I used to be requested, as the one graduate final yr, to put in writing you this introduction. I owe my success largely to arduous work, ingenuity underneath strain and strict adherence to all the actual guidelines of Oak and Ash. A few of them could appear apparent, others frivolous and foolish. All I can say is that a lot of my classmates did not take them significantly. I graduated. They don’t seem to be.

#1: If somebody is absent, do not ask why.

#2: Do not examine requires assist.

Many individuals object to this rule, however there are three good causes for this. A) It is most likely not somebody who wants assist. B) If that’s the case, there’s most likely nothing anybody can do. C) If there’s one thing anybody can do, it will be simpler for them to do it if they do not have to avoid wasting your ass on the similar time.

#3: If there’s water within the pool, there isn’t a swimming.

At this level, yearly an incoming scholar thinks he is very sensible and makes the identical joke that somebody has made yearly because the pool was inbuilt 1927: “Does this imply we are able to go swimming if there isn’t a water within the pool? ” To which the reply is, after all, “Sure. However no diving.

#4: If the hearth alarm sounds, line up and exit the constructing in an orderly vogue, heading straight for the playground. No working, no pushing, no speaking. Do not look behind you.

#5: By no means enter the basement.

I advocated that the official guidelines be modified to incorporate: “Particularly in case you are assured that anybody claiming to be upkeep personnel is okay.” The director thinks that the easy assertion is the very best, and my qualification superfluous. He is proper: when you do not go into the basement at any time, you will not go when the janitor permits you to. However you solely have to listen to a classmate’s dying sigh as soon as, “However he stated it was okay…” to take a position if a clarification would assist. Name me a softie.

#6: Carry a giant handful of rice to high school with you on daily basis.

In case you do not care, I like to recommend going to an inferior faculty with decrease requirements. M2C.

#7: If a member of the college group tries to comply with you dwelling, scatter a handful of rice behind you.

This could go with out saying, however I will say it, anyway, due to a scholar in my second yr who did not graduate as a result of she thought “scatter” meant “dribbling a grain on the as soon as in a transparent path resulting in your home.”

#8: Do not stroll down a hallway the place the ground is bulging, swollen, rolling, sagging, or in any other case transferring.

Alright, significantly, that is good recommendation anyplace.

Talking of common recommendation, there are some issues which might be good concepts that are not particularly acknowledged within the guidelines. For instance, yelling or yelling within the hallway is a foul concept, particularly on the bottom ground. In some faculties, an allowance is given for days when sports activities groups obtain vital victories. At Oak and Ash, the principles do not bend even for our august sports activities groups. Though it is not, technically, a rule.

One other non-rule considerations your weight. Apparently, till 1986, Oak and Ash had a coverage of not admitting any scholar with a physique mass index over 25. There was a lawsuit and alleged discrimination, and now the rule is gone. However nonetheless, nice college students discover it tough to graduate. How can I say this? It isn’t about being engaging. Quite the opposite, it’s a query of not attracting those that are starting to salivate on the concept of ​​well-marbled meat.

If you would like a significantly ineffective rule, I would submit this one, out of order:

#12: There is not any spit within the trash.

I believe the final precept of “no spitting” ought to suffice. However we had a child—Martin, I believe his title was—who thought he might show how daring he was by chewing tobacco. I’ve to say, if you wish to show you’ve got the heart to do one thing silly, chewing tobacco is difficult to beat. However… the end result was so sudden, sprawling and messy {that a} utterly pointless new rule was written.

#9: If the hearth alarm seems like a trumpet slightly than a bell, it is not the hearth alarm. Don’t exit via a door or a window, they are going to anticipate it. Go on to the roof and await rescue by crane or helicopter.

#10: The director ought to all the time keep on the bottom ground.

#11: If the Director is discovered on a better ground, hit him instantly with arduous objects, repeatedly and constantly, till he turns into liquid once more.

Many individuals discover it tough to take these guidelines significantly. For instance, many college students ignore rule #10, considering it has nothing to do with them. However an event arose final yr by which Rule No. 10 was damaged. The junior class then rapidly failed to look at rule #11, prompting the remainder of the senior class – apart from me – to overlook rule #2: Don’t examine requires assist. A loud trumpet sounded and the freshman class ran for the exits – in violation of Rule #9, and the sophomores… effectively, to inform you the reality, I do not know what’s up with them arrived. Though Rule #9 says fairly clearly, “It isn’t the hearth alarm”, I believed it was sensible to look at Rule #4 as a lot as potential and did not look behind me. You already know what they are saying: as soon as you’ve got seen one thing, there is not any means to not see it. And hey, not solely did I graduate with out having to take closing exams, however I acquired a helicopter trip!

I remorse that I can’t advocate lecturers and programs to you, because the employees, in addition to the coed physique, are all new this yr. However I can guarantee you that when you comply with the principles, your Oak and Ash expertise shall be stuffed with recollections that can final you a lifetime.

I ought to know. I’ve tried every part. Remedy. Sleeping tablets. Hypnotism. I can not eliminate it.

xxx

Credit score: Eugene Fairfield

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